Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Dear Mr. Lives Next Door and Suddenly Has A CHICK IN HIS ROOM

Congratulations. Perhaps you have found love. At any rate my speculation to that effect will probably be answered sometime later tonight.
I'm so glad that you've found someone with whom you share similar interests. Someone who will laugh as loudly as you do while you watch the Simpsons, Mitch Hedberg, and, as I write this, Scrubs. Someone who will tolerate the volume at which you watch these things, and play your music. Someone who can hide with you in your room and giggle when I knock on the door (just for the record, I wasn't going to complain about the noise, I just wanted to let you know my room got ripped off). Someone, who is, incredibly, equally as hearing-impaired as you are. The Fates really are... just amazing aren't they? The way they set things up? I often wonder what it would be like to get a chance to have your own say in their operations. At this moment, as I sit here trying to work, and instead listening to a television show which I cannot see -- but which I can certainly visualize, so clear is dialogue coming through the wall -- I know exactly what I would say to them:
"WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?"

As ever, irritated and yours,

A.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Somebody Please

Come and hit me over the head and make me start doing some WORK.
Slap me and make me stop watching these stupid movies on the movie network.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Rejoice!

For I have got a new computer. I went to the store thinking I might quite possibly buy a PC laptop.
And then I chickened out at the last minute and grabbed onto a little iBook G4 like a 4 year-old with a security blanket.
A shiny new security blanket.
I kind of feel like I've betrayed my old dog with a new puppy. We're going to have to take some time to bond.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Genny the Magic Puppy

(That is the nickname my mother gave my dog when she was still a baby. I'm not too sure of its origin, but it may have something to do with Puff the Magic Dragon. Incidentally I've always thought that "MAGIC Dragon" was a bit redundant for a mythological animal. Not necessarily so for my dog though I suppose.)

Genesis is making a reappearance here on M&C. It's been a while since I talked about her, because mostly I don't spend a lot of time around her. I'm always surprised a bit when I come home and realize once again how senile she is becoming.

Genny's cloudy eyes

Her strange behaviour is not helped by the fact that by dog-law she is legally blind. Her cloudy eyes as far as we can tell only pick up shadows of movement and objects only once they are about 2 inches away. She flinches a lot...

weirdo

... even when you try to take her picture with the flash on.
She walks into and trips over things. You have to carry her up whole flights of stairs if you want her to leave the main floor of the house. She spends a lot of her time on our hardwood floors working her way out of the splits (I just recently witnessed the 4-WAY SPLITS, something which she cannot get out of by herself, which she must be lifted out of). And we've built a handicap ramp up to our backdeck... for our handicap dog, who otherwise would do all her business on the deck. Sometimes she does anyway.
At times seeing this creature who I have grown up with starting to fail, to become more and more limited in what she can do is heartbreaking. But in many ways, she has never been more engaging. She's frickin' hilarious. It's as though after a lifetime of doing what she was told, she's trying to turn the tables on us. We can't decide whether her hearing is failing too, or whether she's just decided to start ignoring us. Her obedience is so selective that it seems more and more as though she's just becoming a crotchety old woman with an "I don't FEEL like it right now" attitude.
She pretends to want to go outside and then when you get up from dinner to open the door for her she looks at you like "What are you DOING you crazy person? I don't want to go out THERE. It's COLD out there. I was just standing here.... dum dee dum."
Sometimes I get the distinct impression that she's laughing at me.

sort of looks like she's sneezing

Now that she's older, she doesn't bark like a madwoman when people come to the door. She doesn't pee on the floor, or knaw on woodwork. My mother no longer buys carpets which will disguise the things the dog does on them, but rather, buys carpets "that go well with the dog."

dog throw rug

She smells. She has warts, and some indescribable quality to her fur which my brother calls "Genny's cheese." She eats things in the backyard which my mother has dubbed "poopsicles." Such is the state of canine octagenarianism. And she's absolutely gorgeous, and definitely this week's cutest thing ever. Possibly next week's too. Anyway, she always ranks.

smile for the camera... just once

Friday, February 17, 2006

In the immortal words of Robert Frost:

"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."

So fitting for the site, but not really to my feelings about being here. It's a relief. Student living does begin to weigh after a while. Home is the place where the bathroom is bright and clean, and is not caulked over to hide the mildew; where moules frites is on the menu for dinner; where there are enough blankets on the bed and HEAT that actually HEATS; where there are 4 computers, none of which will go walkabout; where there is digital cable; and of course, where there is family.

My list of things to do while I'm here keeps growing, but here it is so far:

-Make waffles
-Watch the movie network
-... watch more movie network
-And, you know, if I run out of things to do -- watch the movie network
-Buy a computer (Hurrah!)
-Go to the dentist
-Go to the eye doctor
-Go shopping with my mom
- buy a duvet to keep me warm at school
- buy a shirt which may or may not need duct tape
- buy winter boots which aren't so decrepit they're like a Chinese fingertrap on my left foot
-Find an outfit for the Classic Hollywood-themed Film semi-formal

It's all so exciting! haaaaaaah...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Love/Hate Day

Valentine's day -- what to say? This is what I said last year which is similar to what I'm going to say this year. It's what I say every year. It's stupid, and we're stupid for being stupid about it.
This year I've reverted to my highschool status of unattachedness on V's day. I'm going out later with some similarly situated ladies to celebrate this fact.
So far in my life V's day has mostly meant chocolate and underwear... from my parents. I like this. Just as I like men who don't bow to the social pressures of the day (as long as that's not used as an excuse for plain laziness). Does this mean I don't want to be sent flowers? No. But I don't want to EXPECT it. I'm a complex being, I know.
In the interest of giving a nod to V's day on M&C, despite the author's evident mixed feelings towards it, here's a phone conversation I had at work yesterday:

A: Hello?
Guy: Uh, hi, is this [The] Bakery?
A: Yep, but we're actually closed right now.
Guy: Oh that's okay, I just have a quick question
A: *suppressing sigh* Okay.
Guy: I went on a date last week with a girl who works there and I was wondering if she was working tomorrow so I could have something sent there.
A: Oh, *laughs* did SHE have a name?
Guy: Oh, uh, yeah, S?
A: Last name?
Guy: M.
A: Let me just check the schedule ... Uh, yep I think so, 2 till 6
Guy: Okay thanks.
A: Yep no problem. Bye.
Guy: Bye.

It's good to know someone's still getting it right.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Sports Gurus

When DA first suggested we do our group project -- a presentation, and a 20pp paper -- about representation and TV sports networks I replied with a resounding NO. There's NO WAY. As the token female I'm INSISTING on doing something to which I can contribute more than my name.

So we're doing our project on TV representation of sports stars.

When I realized that this was the turn the conversation was inevitably going to take, and that I should just go with it, I thought, oh well. I can write this thing, and they can explain everything to me, and it'll be poststructural in that way, right?
It'll be a learning experience.

I'm well on my way to being the ultimate woman -- I'll be able to make cheesecake and weigh in on sports highlights AT THE SAME TIME.
Thanks guys.

The Cutest Thing Ever (or at least this week)

(and if anyone DARES suggest that I am broody after reading this, prepare to be snapped at as you have never been snapped at before)
A woman and her daughter (maybe 7/8 yrs old) came into the bakery yesterday. The woman walked up to the counter after surveying the shelves and said jokingly "We'll take one of everything."
Her daughter looked up at me shyly and said, "Not for REAL though."
The mom then tried to get her to say what she wanted, and she leaned away from the counter, threw her head back and said "OOOOH I can't deCIIIIDE." and then promptly ran back and forth from her mom, to the window where I was putting three heart shaped sugar cookies on a tray for them.
After they had payed, the woman said to me "I'm just going to take her into the cake room and show her the cake we're getting." I said sure, and the little girl's eyes got HUGE. She exclaimed:
"You mean the cake for OUR WEDDING?"

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Fugue State

Since last week, I've been feeling stressed out I guess, or at least really distracted. I can't seem to stop whacking myself into things. I get like this sometimes. I retreat into my own mental space and cease to register my physical one -- the one that needs to be paid attention to in order to avoid having bruises like this one:

DSC00908

See that yellow red and purple area on the bridge of my nose? Yeah, I did that on TM's desk yesterday while I was fiddling with the printer. Slammed my face right into it nose-first. That certainly snapped me out of it for a good three minutes. Gave me a killer headache too.
Usually when I get like this it's my extremities that get the worst of it. Don't get me wrong, I've got a bruise on each forearm and my shins are suffering too, but this time my FACE seems to be getting the worst of it. The nose incident was actually the second run in my head had with a desk -- the first being on Sunday when I smacked my forehead on my desk and my cheek on my chair SIMULTANEOUSLY while reaching for something under my desk. I sat there for a minute afterwards thinking "I can't BELIEVE I just did that." And then, "I'm SO GLAD no one saw that."
Luckily there were no witnesses to yesterday's extreme lameness, but now I'm sporting this awesome bruise. I thought about trying to work the "look I'm such a bad ass scrapper" angle, but mostly I just feel like "look I'm such a loser I keep running into things WITH MY FACE. Can I get that door for you? WITH MY FACE?"

Sunday, February 05, 2006

The Wisdom of the Cookie

~A vivid and creative mind is just one of your many great attributes.
I couldn't agree more.

~Anything you do, do it well. The last thing you want is to be sorry for what you didn't do.
Uhhh...

Conversation which could be heard in our house yesterday afternoon

A: Imagine calling someone Herb.
TM: Herbie.
A: Herbert. Herbie always reminds me of Kerbie.
TM: Kerbie?
A: You know, that little white marshmallow in the video game.
TM: Oh KERBIE. Kerbie's a ghost.
A: No he's a marshmallow.
TM: He looks exactly like the Super Mario ghosts -- he's modelled after them.
A: He's TOTALLY a marshmallow... MH!
H: Yeah?
A: Is Kerbie a ghost or a marshmallow?
MH: Uh... I don't know.
A: He's a marshmallow. He eats stuff!
TM: He EATS stuff? How does that make him a marshmallow? Marshmallows don't eat stuff.
A: NO! because he's made out of sugar so he has to eat all this sugar to keep himself marshmallowy otherwise he starts metabolizing himself!
TM: What?
A: In conclusion, he's a marshmallow.
TM: Ghost. Hold on I think MH is doing some research.
MH: He's neither. He's just Kerbie.
TM: Okay, but if you had to say which he more resembled...
MH: I'd say marshmallow.
TM: DAMMIT!
A: YESS! AHAHAHAHAA

Behold my victory.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Now you can HEAR the sarcasm -- a whole new dimension to M&C

Well, that can't possibly be the best way to do it, but there's our recording below. It sounds like crap, but it's late, and I don't feel like figuring out another way. If you want the version that doesn't sound like I phoned it in to audioblogger, you can still email me, and then you'll get the bonus me giggling at the end of the track and TM saying "aw, that was a weak five."

this is an audio post - click to play

Thursday, February 02, 2006

RE:taliation

TM and I have come up with a brilliant plan to get back at the automated phone call we've been getting at our place now for two weeks. To recap, the voice comes on saying "This is not a solicitation..." and then asks that a Victoria Holland please call them back at this toll free number, quoting this case code, as the matter is urgent and requires her immediate response (my question is of course if the response is needed so frickin' immediately, why the hell has this gone on for 2 weeks??).
What we intend to do is to call the toll free number and play our own recorded message when an "agent" picks up. The message will be as follows (the unitalicized part indicates those words that are obviously electronically inserted into the message... that's right, we're gonna have those, authentic or bust):

This is not a solicitation. This is a message for those douchebags who keep phoning at 9 am. It must be immediately brought to your attention that Victoria Holland does not exist. At least not at the following number 555-5555. Therefore Victoria Holland will never give this matter her immediate attention, unless you asshats get off your thumbs and devote some non-automated man power to finding her actual phone number. At your earliest convenience, please desist from phoning the previously quoted number. If this is not possible, please dial the following toll free number: 1-800-F-UR-SELF and see what happens. If you succeed in getting through to an agent, quote the case number:5318008 and flip it upside down. Thank you and have an excellent day.

We're still debating whether or not to actually do this (we're past the point where we've figured out the HOW, we're just on to the WHETHER). The main concern is -- would we get a visit from the cops? I don't know for sure, as I'm not the country's leading legal mind, leading though I may be... ;) I have however taken some caution from reading this website and laughing and laughing.
One thing is for certain, we are definitely recording this, and if there is a god, I'll find a way to put it on this website. And if not, I guess you'll just have to email me and get me to send it to you.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful

Today holds the record for most askings of this question per time worked, 3 times in 3 hours:
"How are you so skinny when you work HERE?"

The answer I give:
"HA HA HA Oh well you know... Sure I can't make that half a dozen? There's no tax."

The answer I want to give:
"Because I don't stuff my face... You maybe want to rethink that extra butter tart?"

Ah, the cheerful bakery life.

Thanks

Thanks so much to JHR and ZLA who read my last post so soon after I had written it last night and phoned me to express their condolences and see how I am holding up, and thanks to alex for her comments.
Thanks also to my AMAZING housemates who went in together on a ticket to Hawksley Workman's concert next month to cheer me up (which they did infinitely).
Thanks to my parents for never once expressing their annoyance at having to buy me a new computer and only saying how glad they were I wasn't there when it happened.
January was a painful month for me, but the people in my life have been very supportive. I'm trying not to forget that before I came home on Monday night I was feeling better and more on track than I have since Christmas.
TM keeps saying we mustn't dwell, and I'm trying not to. Right now (as I write this out by hand to type up later), the bruise on my right wrist and hand from punching the wall on Monday night in anger is a physical reminder of the things I've been going through. By the time it has healed I hope to be in a much better place (i.e. soon). I know these people are going to be a big part of that.