Bare Legs and Gams

Do you like bare legs and gams?

I do not like them R-I-am.
I do not like bare legs and gams.
I would not like them here or there,
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not like bare legs and gams.
I do not like them R-I-am.

Would you like them on a dock?
Would you like them with big socks?

I do not like them on a dock.
I do not like them with big socks.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.

Would you?
Could you?
Eat some skin?
Eat some!
Eat some!
Here, I'll begin.

I would not,
Could not,
Eat that skin.
And NOW I can't eat anything.

I do not like bare legs and gams.
And I don't like you, R-I-am!

A Farewell to Farms

Ha ha! Oh, no, but do you get it? A farewell to FARMS? FARMS? HA HA HA! God, that's good! Ha ha...
Okay, okay, I know the title is kitchy... but CLEVER! heh heh heh, ah, I kill myself.
Yes indeed folks, my stint at good old OMAF has finally come to a close. And although I was often bored, sometimes frustrated, and frequently disgusted by R, it was a damn good time.
This is the part where the five-year-old we all know is hiding somewhere inside me jumps up and says, "Mommy, mommy, I made new friends!" But seriously, the people I worked with gave me a reason to make the office place more entertaining... If I'd been in a cubicle, I would have just stared at blank walls, instead of drawing cartoons on the whiteboard, and this blog probably wouldn't have been started... because honestly, we hate him, but you can't get much better inspiration for humour than a guy like R.
One of these days I suppose I'm going to have to get on with the serious business of growing up, but I DON"T FEEL LIKE IT. This is too much fun. So stay tuned boys and girls, and I'll keep delivering. And if that means standing on street corners in the dead of winter talking to CRAZY German Physics majors on bicycles wearing spandex and discussing the finer points of the philosophy of Jack Nicholson's performance in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest... well, I've done it once, and I'll do it again.
Cheers.

P.S. Urgent message to Agent Bond: How much does a pirate have to pay to get his ears pierced?
A bucaneer.

Funding Request: One Tranquilizer Gun; 4 Months Supply of Darts (with enough tranquilizer to take down a average size deer)

Report: Tuesday, August 26th, 2003.
The Student Boardroom at the headquarters of a shady government agency has put in a request for funding of one standard issue tranquilizer rifle, and a quantity of tranquilizer darts intended for mid-size cervids. Upon recieving the request, Shared Services Agents were sent out to further investigate the situation, before processing the fund applications.
At approximately 16 00 hrs, two agents were dispatched to the Student Boardroom. Their inquiries led to the discovery that a humanoid being had taken up residence in the boardroom among the students, unbeknownst to the agency's security net. The being was found to have some human resemblances in form and comportment, but its origin has been undetermined as of yet. It is clearly not of this earth.
The students, it seems, had been putting up with the habitation for a matter of months without bringing it to the attention of the proper authorities. When questioned, one student explained: "Sure, it really bothers us, it (pause) does things, uh, eats things (another pause), it's just not normal. But we never realized it wasn't actually human." Another, more vocal resident of the boardroom had this to report, "It's (expletive deleted) weird, man. It, like, eats its own skin and stuff. I always knew it was a (expletive deleted) martian." It was this last student who put in the request at the others' urging. Collectively, the students explained that they had noticed the creature's habit of napping periodically, and it lead to one student coming up with the idea of the tranquilizers. Another student, a young woman aspiring to vet college, was confident she could approximate the appropriate dosage, "We wanted it arranged so that we could have him out the second he walked in the door and woken up before it was time for him to leave." When asked why they thought the creature wouldn't notice this lapse in time, the students replied simply, "We just had a feeling."
After observing the being for several days under controlled conditions, the agents have concluded that it does indeed present a health threat to the tenants of the Student Boardroom. It's constant picking and lack of sanitation will no doubt be dangerous to the students well being. It is already suspected that the extent of time spent in its presence has had negative effects on the students' mental states. "I just can't stand it anymore," commented one.
The creature was unavailable for comment to include in this report. It is assumed that its vocal tract is not adapted to human speech. All sounds it has emitted to date have been high in pitch, have caused harm to eardrums in close proximity and, strangely, are emitted only when another conversation is taking place, as though meant to interrupt.
The agency remains undecided on the fate of the unidentified being, although is currently considering bids from several outside corporations, including the Toronto Zoo.
The students' request for tranquilizer gun has been cancelled, due to the recent developments in this case.

silverlined83@yahoo.ca

Little Prince phone home.... no, I changed my mind: Little Prince GO home!

Okay, as much as I know you are all a little tired of this subject, (excepting the office gang who share my pain) I just have to go on a rant because there are still 67 minutes left in which we must be subjected to the LITTLE prince's presence. (Notice the emphasis on LITTLE, of course, I'm not sure, but given the previous discussion of the short-shorts... well, folks, he's GOT to be, otherwise it would be downright illegal). Now then... yes, calm down, I can still here the office gang chuckling at that last one... for the topic of today's complaint: 15 minutes ago I watched him playing with his earphones. He then picked up a pen and started digging at something in the foamy part of it. He got it out, examined it between thumb and forefinger, and then put it up to his mouth. You can imagine my feeling of stomach sinking revulsion as I realized what he was about to do. Yes folks, he put it in his mouth and started chewing. I cannot describe how gross... the words do not suffice. *shudder*
Now two things come to mind here: First, watching monkeys at the zoo digging around in the dirt for grubs, and second, Goldmember... is everyone following the drift here? Yeah, the gross dutch guy in the third Austin Powers movie who picks big flakes of skin off himself and eats them. You would think that such a thing should and would remain a figment of Mike Myers imagination, that it would continue to be an element of entertainment, and not manifest itself in the physical world. But no, ladies and gentlemen, that figment, that element, the monkey in a cage with its grubs, and Goldmember himself are embodied in the personage of R, the little prince.
Thankfully, I have only 4 days left to withstand his company. After that, who can tell the fate of Little Prince? I personally vote for the following two options: a) that he never crosses my path again and be reduced to a figment of MY imagination (although I'm sure he'd be great fodder for Mike Myers') or b) that he end up in a cage with the monkeys!

a) or b)? Never, ever see R again? OR get him his own exhibit at the Toronto Zoo? Send your vote to: silverlined83@yahoo.ca The tally will be up later this week.

Peace out.

silverlined83@yahoo.ca -- do it! do it now!

The most pretentious survey... honey, on the internet, you're one in a million.

The following survey, e-mailed to me by my good friend Z, has claimed to be THE MOST UNIQUE SURVEY YOU WILL EVER TAKE. After reading I'm not so sure I buy its claims, but hey, the power-outages have put me out of work today, so what the hell.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... PREPARE YOURSELVES... YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE WITNESS TO...

!!!THE MOST UNIQUE SURVEY YOU WILL EVER TAKE!!!
Taken by ME.

Never mind the hair color, favorite movie, most embarrassing
moment questions, here's some really different ones. It's a little long, but
fun!!!
Copy and paste, fill it out and send it back.....

1. What's your full name? A R D H : translation, silverlined... heh.
2. Were you named after anyone: A Smith, also the R is a female tradition through the D side.
3. Do you wish on stars? used to... haven't lately... Moon works better.
4. Which finger is your favorite?: Pinkie! Never under estimate the little guy.
5. When did you last cry? Tuesday, the 12th of August.
6. Who do you admire?: All people in possession of and practicing common sense... I'd like to vote for a name change... it should be UNcommon sense... due to its modern lack of frequency.
7. Are you happy right now? deliriously... actually, I may be delirious.
8. What is the #1 priority in your life? enjoying it.
9. Favourite lunch meal ?: huh... I like food.
10. Any bad habits? not phoning people, being generally reclusive.
11. What store would you never be caught dead in: Are we ready for the list of silverlined non-acceptable shopping venues?... 'cause it's long: American Eagle Outfitters, Campus Crew, Stitches, and the Gap to begin with (I'm also not so fond of Old Navy). Why is this you ask? Because I fear a world in which cloning no longer requires scientists... i.e. EVERYONE shops there, and we're beginning to look like Village of the Damned. Trust me, I go to Queen's, I have seen the very face of this evil. Others stores.... there are so many, but I reserve a special hatred for any store which sells padded bikini tops for eight-year olds.
12. If you were another person, would you be friends with you ? *L* What a weird question... that's like "What do you think you look like having sex?"
13. Are you a daredevil ? HA HA... no.
14. Do looks matter? I'd be lying if I said no... and so would YOU.
16. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone? Yesterday
17. Are you trendy? definition please?
18. What do you do to prevent anger? Suppression. Hey, my textbook said it's healthy.
19. Are you passive or aggressive?: I am passive agressive. My mommy tells me so.
20. Who is your idol?: I don't have one, but I'd like to be one some day.
21. Who is your second family? JS
22. Do you trust others easily? no.
23. What did you play with as a child?: Barbies, Ponies, Sylvanians and dress-up clothes. I was an ACTRESS! pffftt.
24. What class during high school do you think was a waste of time? Geography... the only one I remember truly loathing.
25. Do you like sappy love songs?: No. They make me uncomfortable.
26. Have you ever been on radio or television?: But of course.
27. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone?: Not since I was in primary school.
28. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Please see daredevil.
29. Do you feel understood most of the time? Nope.
30. Would you rather have a sore throat or an upset stomach?: stomach... don't have to worry about antibiotics then usually.
31. What is your nickname(s)?: Lex, Lexi, Lexie, Baby Cakes, and... *sigh* Mo.
32. Are you a vegetarian?: Ha, I'm much too lazy.
33. Would you ever bungee jump? Nope.
34. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?: What is this nonsense you speak of?
35. What are you worried about right now? Getting into classes.
36. Do you ever wear overalls? Most Unique Survey Ever... who the hell wrote this, and will they please look into getting a life?
37. Your favorite Popsicle flavor?: Pink
38. Who do you think won't respond at all? Not relevant, since I'm just posting this here, and not sending it to anyone.
41. What kind of pets do you have? Genny the Magic Puppy.
42.What are their names? Genny... The Magic Puppy!!
44. Do you have a driver's license? yuh huh
45. Last person who called you?: N
46. Last person who saw you cry:? My mom.
47. Last person you had a drink with: JS, et al.
48. Last person you went to the movies with: AV, AD, Z
49. Last person you went to the mall with: mom and grandma
52. What's on the on walls of your room? Paintings, prints, quotes, etc etc.
54.What is in your bedroom? Bed, clothes, is anything else pertinent?
55.What is the best thing that happened to you this week? The blackout!! Yes!! 4 days sans travail, c'est bleedin' genial!
56. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? red
57. What is your favourite place to be and why? Not G-town. Not that I don't like it... It's just... G-town.
59. How many scars do you have and do they have any cool stories? Well, this one time... at band camp... Ah, all my still-visible scars involve either playground equipment or me setting things on fire. Heh, I never thought of that.
60. Do you have any dreams/goals? I got plenty.
61. Who knows you best? Heh heh, does anybody ever really know anybody else?
62. What was the biggest change for you in the last few months? (dramatic music) Leaving the past behind. Dunh-dunh-dunh! Pffftt.
63. Have you ever danced in the rain?: sure.
64. Favorite Sport(s)?: ah, no comment.
65. Favorite Song(s): This would take another long list, and I'm rapidly losing patience with this survey.
66. Weirdest Inside Joke?: Nice position but stinky bum! AHAHAHAHA, gets me every time. Yes, you must retain the mentality of an eight-year-old to get it.
67. People you miss most?: You know...
68. What do you spend a lot of time doing? watching movies.
69. Who was the last person to email you?: Z
70. Any last comments? Good lord... let's not do that again.

Please note: PLEASE... NOTE!

ha, uhh... I'd like to point out at this time in my blogging career, that all characters contained herein are purely fictional and any resemblance to actual events or people is purely coincidental. This includes: PR, JN, EW, R, JS, EB, the ordinary girl, the ordinary boy, black panther, and, hell, even me. That's right. I'm, um, not really like this, heh, at all. N is real though, I can testify to that, he exists, thank God, I'm not that much of a loser.

So, uh, no defamation of character lawsuits, please.

Oh please, I'm a hot-looking, smooth-talkin', frisky-ass son of a bitch.

I did have something to put on here... I did, really...

Oh yes... it's coming to me now... uhh...

Nah, I got nothing.

All Hail Little Rock (PR, you are the man)

Does anyone know why navel oranges have navels? What exactly constitutes a navel? Well... PR can tell you.
I was puzzling over this very question this morning, tossing my navel orange up and down in the air (R was in a meeting all day, or I might have had a target), when Perrin helpfully suggested that I look up "The history of navel oranges" on the internet. Other such searches had been... fruitless... ahem, but nonetheless, I tried again, and lo and behold, discovered that navel oranges are a breed of orange that are seedless but grow a second or third orange within itself at the blossom end of the plant, which forms the navel. So that big piece in navel oranges that looks like another little orange actually IS an orange (see later, the astounding trivia of EW's ...ass, yeah, that's right, ass-tounding). Okay, admittedly it doesn't take a genius to figure that out, but kudos to PR for the good idea that ended my search for the facts about navel oranges. They really are interesting, and ugly. But seriously folks, PR is a useful kid. When R came back into the office, PR and EW were helpfully carrying boxes of mail downstairs, and the village idiot said, "Oh, there goes the box procession!" and laughed uproariously. Dumbass. We got one boy like PR, Gods, why couldn't you grant us two?

SOMEONE SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE

Does anyone wanna publish my work? huh, huh? Does anyone wanna read it and tell me how wonderful it is and THEN publish it?
Okay, at the very least, does anyone wanna light a candle for me? cross fingers, meditate and send me happy-luck karma? Anyone wanna tune their chakra into my frequency and add your will power to mine? Okay, yes, spaz equals me, cause I gotta get published SOMETHING by the 5th of December, cause I really, really want the Toronto Star internship, cause I wanna be a writer. I guess I had better use proper grammar from now on, huh? BLAH.

Com vs. Ca

I can never remember whether my e-mail is silverlined83@yahoo.com/ca.... but JS has indicated to me that the .com one doesn't exist... so, I guess the address is really silverlined83@yahoo.ca. Because I know you've all been dying to send me e-mails.

The Sky is Falling

To take the tack of many Chicken Littles who have come before me...
Can you feel the bad karma polluting the air? The Eastern world is in an uproar, with Iraq going through its painful process of reform at the hands of the Americans (no comment), and Jordan, and Indonesia feeling the brunt of terrorists' cries for attention. And the purportedly "settled" Western world that's supposed to have it all under control, is under attack by elements beyond anyone's control.... earth, air, fire and water are all waging war against the first world.
Usually, I'm more of a listener, than a soap-boxer, but damnit, I'm worried. And yes, I know, this is why I usually try to avoid the news, because it freaks me out. But I'm realizing that I'm an ostrich, and it's got to stop. As a result, rather than sit back and watch the world go to shit without comment, this is my warning (I know, I know, so that when the world DOES go to shit I can sit back and say, See? I told you so). The sky is falling, the gods are angry, and the US government has begun to unabashedly violate free speech. These are dangerous times, and I'm afraid to grow up.

On a more personal note, would the Canadian government please find its ass with both hands and stop whining about the PM's decision to support the supreme court's ruling to honour same-sex marriages? Come on now boys and girls, we all know that this has become less about whether or not you actually agree with it than about your feelings that you were not given your say in the matter.
As for my opinion on the subject, I am definitely pro. When I found out the court's ruling, I felt really proud to live in Canada, to live in a place that is so open-minded (as far as countries go), not only about cultures, but about other lifestyle choices as well. I am heterosexual, but the fact that that ruling was passed made me feel more free. I disagree totally with the statement that same-sex marriages are not procreative. Adoption and artificial insemination are options for homosexual couples just as they are for heterosexual couples. Along with Canada's recent (controversial) shift in attitude towards same-sex marriages, I would like to see another shift. I would like the future to hold a different and more era-appropriate view of what is "normal."

The sky is falling, but a new generation is coming to hold it up. The old values just can't support it anymore.

Again let me remind you

Comments questions suggestions complaints hurrahs! to - - - silverlined83@yahoo.com

THE poem

The poem that started the roll, that started the blog, was started a long time ago, but here it is again. I'm sure you'll make the connection.

MOONLIGHT AND CYNICS

Moonlight and cynics
What a mix
For disillusioned fantasies
And chai lattes
What the hell is that?
Welcome
To my debutante ball
A nightmare
Of cotton ball whores
My norm, my reality
Its shady counterpart
Sheltering
All the cleptos
Pornos, pyros, psychos
What the hell is that?
Wake up!
Embrace your fellow psycho
Psycho fellows
Surrounded.
Come one boys!
Work those forearm flexors
Show me what you're made of
Blood, body, bone, sinew
Show me something real
Or the audience behind me
Am I saying too much?
I offer in sacrifice
All these naive alcoholic fluff balls
They're still virgins
In their parents' hearts.
Moonlight and cynics
Terribly dangerous
Bottled tigers
Tear this image up
Here I go:
My veins pumping life
Letting me know
That I matter
Nothing is random
No such thing
As a coincidence
Only intervention
Collaboration
And some vampires
Some zombies.
Let this twist you
Don't you dare say uncle
Grit your damn teeth
Take it.
Now open your eyes
Be real
What do you see?
What the hell is that?
It's just moonlight
And cynics.

The Little Prince

I now have an idea why the guy was left alone on his own little planet. He was freaking annoying! See names that start with R.

Soapornopera

Who said all the genre's have already been created?
Soapornopera... think of the possibilities, people!