Time has come today

I don’t know, but I’ve been thinking about it, and it’s time to start writing again. I will just start there in the middle, and tell you that, although I have used that title, I do not like that song particularly, except for its redeeming quality of having used the word “psychedelicized.” I’m sure the Mssrs. Chambers would be horrified to know that today the word strikes me as being unbelievably quaint.
But why today? Today I woke up and realized, not for the first time, that it is Friday and Monday seems as though it were yesterday, rather than 5 whole days ago. That work time is not the same as regular time and that although TM’s presence in my life here and my financial gain guarantee that I am not wasting time necessarily, neither am I any longer producing things that are meaningful to me. Except of course for this excellent tea cozy:



Of course, TM and I have been working, albeit cerebrally, on the new website. We even have a name, some content ideas, and so on. But it’s a slow process, and hard to get started, and I have let this drop in the mean time, which maybe I shouldn’t have.

It hasn’t been very peaceful in my head lately. TM, who is at this point I’m sure the only one checking this page any more, won’t be surprised to hear me say it. He is a daily witness to my fits of disquiet, my restlessness. It was only this weekend, when we left the city for the first time in months, that I began to identify the source. Before then, I think, I had been telling myself that I should be content, I have no reason not to, therefore be content and shut up about it. Now I think that wasn’t it at all. I am happy, and I don’t say that with any ferocity. I just am. But I’ve also been living my life in intervals of about 8 months for years now. And damn if it isn’t the 8th month being out here now, and what is next month going to be? Exactly the same. There is no next step. Or at least, there isn’t one in the foreseeable future. We know it will change, we just don’t know to what, or when. I am unused to this. I see no coincidence in my spiking levels of anxiety. Having reached this point in my conclusion though, I am unwilling at present to pursue it any further. Right now, knowing that it is the blank of space between now and years from now that frightens me, juxtaposed with my horror of how quickly 5 days can pass without my actually seeing them, is quite contradiction enough to deal with for the moment.

Part of my self-therapy, I have decided, is to get back to this. So many of my posts here have been less personal and more observational, and that’s one of the reasons I have liked this endeavour. Recording things that strike me each day, that engage me (excepting of course, my work place, because we all know where that will get you), I’m hoping will help to distinguish one day from another, and maybe spur me towards the graduation from this site to the next. It’s really, really time.

Aah. There, I feel better, do you?