Good things to know if you have a cold:

- You can take two advil cold & sinus, and two regular ibuprofen AT THE SAME TIME, and yes, it will make you loopy, and yes I have driven through red lights while on this dosage, but man if you have massive pain, IT MAKES IT GO AWAY. (And if you're wondering how I came about this information, it's from a pharmacist, not a rash of personal experiments)

- Snorting salt water up your nose is gross. And also the best decongestant ever.

- Cough supressors, much like fascist regimes, only work if the cough is in a primed politico-economic state. The cough will not submit unless it is so desperate for change that it's willing to swallow any propaganda Benylin feels like throwing its way. And mine apparently is too smart for that.

- Vaporub is not nearly as soothing when you have to apply it yourself.

- Doritos and ice cream, unfortunately, are not the newest breakthrough in cures for colds. But if they were, man, I'd be well on my way to recovery.