Happy St. Sylvester (long and deep, such a drag)

Well....
I don't know what to say. I had the STRANGEST night... like... ever. And I never got drunk (I'm such a good girl!).
Some of the stuff I saw last night, man, I can't even write it here, because some of my readers would be shocked and appalled.
What I can tell you though is that I definitely got hit in the head with the fallout from a firework. And I definitely hate fireworks, and am definitely going to jump at the slightest noise for days now. You should have seen the streets of Munich at 5 am. Tons of people, and I'm pretty sure that I was the only sober one.
All I could think walking along looking at these people is how sad they looked. And I remember years when I was that drunk and sad... and the resolution two years ago not to be like that again. I've kept it for two years running now, so I guess that's something. I also remember years when I was so happy at christmas and new year's, but now usually, it's the saddest time of year. So many emotions, so much pressure, so many expectations and so much history are involved in this one week at the end of each year; it just seems to overload everyone. I was talking the other day to JHR about how there's so much pressure to do some major partying for New Year's, and how sometimes you'd really just like to curl up with a bottle of wine and a good friend in front of the television. V and I almost had one of those ourselves, since we so overdid it in the no-sleep department the night before and were so tired we felt nauseous. It seems to really get to that point this last week of December where you feel so much pressure to really HAVE FUN, that you're too busy worrying about it to have any. In the end maybe a calm night is the perfect way to start off the year.
But now this week is almost over, I'm ready for this new year. I say bring it on. I have to admit that I haven't always been happy this past year, and mostly it's been through no one's fault but my own (and sometimes no one's fault at all, but the fault of my overactive brain functions). I have a lot of guilt about things, things that still keep me awake at night and give me major indigestion. In the fashion of most anxiety disorders, most of my guilt is completely unfounded. In fact a lot of it is over things that happened years ago, that everyone has forgotten but me. Other stuff not so much. And here I realize I'm being a total cryptologist but to be honest there's not a single person on the planet who is privy to all the sources of my insanity, and only one person who even comes remotely close.
Anyway, in the way of all introspective, retrospective, New Year's, run-on blog entries to be released to the internet (you'd be surprised how many I've read, and how much they sound like mine) I'm making my resolution: to be happier this year, and therefore cause those I love to be happier because they don't have to deal with my bouts of darkness so often (V has recently witnessed one, it may have freaked her out a bit). Maybe I should start by changing the name of the website, because I know that somehow all my cynicism and anger at things take their toll on me. (But then where would my patronage go for their non hallucinogenic dose of acid?)
Mostly here my resolution is not to be happy poof! but to work at it, and to understand that I may need help in achieving this. I made my first venture into therapy last year, but the whole leaving for a year sort of got in the way of my progress (and consequently induced more guilt at having let down the therapist, haha, oh I know, INSANE).
These past four months away from home have made me realize some things though -- for one how serious this whole anxiety thing is getting, how much my parents really worry about it too, and how much those kids in junior high who called me "miss perfectionist" were absolutely right, and how debilitating a perfectionistic state of mind can actually be. It's exhausting, and not only to me, to people around me.
So time to get some drugs and take care of it -- just not the kind of drugs the kids were taking around the table at the bar last night...

Okay so that was my awkward way of ending my awkward post, and making light. I'm not actually going to get drugs guys, don't worry. Anyway you all know my strict adherence to a non-medicated way of life, prescription or otherwise.

I promise no more deep depressing, poor-little-me posts for at least another 2 months.
Hope you all had a fabulous new year's eve, no matter what you did to ring it in.

Cheers babies.