Jimmy and Wayne

Cheers to the long-haired native guy I saw sitting in the square this morning. He was wearing nothing but a neon green bathing suit (shorts thankfully) and birkenstocks, and he watched me all the way to my bus. I know, because he stood up to keep watching me... for a minute, I thought I was the only one who could see him, and was feeling a bit like Jim Morrison, or at least Wayne. But then I realized that the girl walking beside me was getting kind of scared. I was just laughing. Oh the downtownies... how I miss them when I go to K-town. Anyway, advice of the day, for my own personal invisible indian guide, for the guy I saw eating a hotdog on the fountain who's ass was actually FALLING OUT of his cut-offs, and also for the annoying co-worker of the year: Short-shorts are out. Not only that, but you will not bring them back by constant use. There are many reasons for this. A) They're ugly. B) slightly offensive. C) (most important, I think) Short-shorts are tight, out of necessity because NO ONE wants to see... anything. And we all found out in 1992 what the tightness does to your boys... So, for the sake of my (now) hypersensitive gag reflex, and also for the sake of (god forbid) your future procreation, please, PLEASE stop wearing them. Plan B is this: If I can't get these testicle-offenders to cease and desist, I'm going to borrow a pair of horse blinders, and start wearing them to work. Seriously.